I know our love will never be the same But I can't stand the growing pains
"Emotions run rampant as I sit in reflection, mentally reenacting the times and places in which caused me to become so engulfed in love with you......It's gonna be a while before I'monce again complacent" -Me
Today I don't feel this way. This October 7th, 2009, I don't hold this emotion. In this present moment, I am happy. Not hurt. I'm okay.
But once upon a time, I felt like this I was this woman before Eyes sogreenI become another, less likeable version of myself A woman scorned
...By Love (capital necessary)
.......and this song sang a familiar tune to my soul.
Haven't written in a while. Haven't penned a poem in months. I can say that Life hit, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I've had a LOT to say and even tried to write a piece over a week ago.....all to no avail.
There's too much in my head to sort through.
Too many emotions going all over the place, making me feel very uncomfortable and dare I say it....insecure.
I am never insecure. Like never ever. This is new.
And this is the song of my life right now.
Kindred - Far Away
And because I actually feel like screaming (but won't), this song also reigns right now:
I haven't really opened up about it...but it's because I am in fear.
In my life, fear seems to be the only constant or control, with everything else set as variables that are willing to change, leave, come, go and transform at the blink of an eye. With or without my consent.
P3 has been patient though, even though he knows just as well as I do that it is my fear that can cause the detriment of anything we have created thus far as well as anything that may develop for our future. I know this. I see his frustration and withdrawal which only happens as a consequence to my own balling up, shielding, and withdrawing that I do so well.
My guard is thick and hard. Still. This is a good thing as it keeps me from being naive and susceptible to a lot of situations and circumstances I could have been placed under should my walls have only been guarded by one member of security versus the system that has been set up over time: multiple armed and militant guards standing in front of several layers of fences and mass steel doors which cover a security system in-house that's more strict than Mission: Impossible.
It is easy to infer that my "mission" has become Mission: Not A Chance in Hell. So this fear--this shield has become a double-edged sword of sorts, to put it in short.
And it's all marred by the house I live in that I've not so affectionately named, "Fear". And up til now, I was fine with my place of residence. Cuz I wasn't ready to deal. I couldnt'. Wouldn't. Told myself I shadn't.
But now I think I'm ready to move. Yet, I'm very cautious to step out of the house and breath the air that awaits outside sans the guards and heightened security system. I love my protection.
But...
It's preventing me from being able to take the risks necessary to advance past GO. I keep thinking of ways in which I'd get too comfy with the outdoors, fuck around and scrap my knee or break my leg from a "fall" and need my bed rest back into my House...rather than just "go it" and hope for the best.
I'm scared of everything. And I have yet to collect $200.00.
*For some reason, the song I put on here to support this blog wouldn't provide me with a link to paste it on here. I had Jazmine Sullivan's "Fear" in mind, though. Just act as though it's playing on this blog anyway, lol
Anyway…Ahhh…I heard this song for the umpteenth time today on the way home from work and it wasn’t until today that it actually made me think on a grander scale than, “yea…he’s right”.
This song is personal for me for a couple reasons but the most notable—the one I’d share is how the song made me think of my ex.
I make reference to my ex every now and again. You see, my ex and I split a while ago, tried for a year and a half to repair, realized it wouldn’t work and here we are. Apart. All good on my end. On his…..well that isn’t really what’s important lol…
The song, “When It Hurts” is talking about and suggesting giving the definition of love another meaning of sorts. So many people look at their relationship, see how great it’s going and it’s “I’m in love”…then if something unexpected happens and the happiness fades and is replaced with pain, then it’s “forget him/her” and “it’s over”. The song is asking that when things are going bad (when it hurts), you still have that same passion…that same desire for your mate. When it hurts, you’re still there. When it hurts, you don’t cash in the chips so quickly but rather you work on it—work through it—and get through the bad patches together. When it hurts…
But what if it’s hurting all so badly all too often?Is that song still relevant?Is it fair to have a breaking point and put ‘love’ aside and favor personal sanity?
My ex and I went through a lot of things in our relationship. We were together for some years and we ultimately grew up and apart from one another. But what really drove us to stop trying to work things out was the fact that we kept playing our version of “When It Hurts” in our heads throughout the duration of our relationship until it was the only song that could describe what we were.
All intimate relationships have their ups and downs, their smooth roads and rough patches, and the days you love versus the days you…”meh, love”, but if the bad starts to outweigh the good and if that pain mounts itself onto your soul until you see no more blue skies but rather a steam of dark clouds, gray skies, and terrible weather filled with the worst storms days can buy, and “When It Hurts” becomes the prime definition of your relationship rather than, “When In Love”…are you cruel for leaving? Heartless, even?
Everyone deserves their dose of intimate happiness and love shouldn’t hurt more than it feels good.
One of my coworkers (yes the one from the water intoxication story from yesterday) forwarded me this email. I thought it was hilarious. I needed this laugh. Enjoy.
When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guyit's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the wholeVenus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.
Here's a video that I found that also made me laugh.
once again complacent" -Me
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