25 January 2010

Revelation: Faith






*I know I've been gone for months on end. A ton of stuff has happenedleaving me with much more responsibilities and priorities under mybelt than I ever bargained for within the last 4 months. Life....*


But let's talk about Faith. And me.

Faith....


I've got it. But I question it very often. I believe it. But for me,I've always struggled with the concept of "complete blind faith". It didn't make sense to me (but I guess that's the point--the "testing of faith"), and I'm at an age and mental state where things have to make relative "sense" otherwise.....I just don't deal with it. I admit Ihave low patience.

But its different with Faith....

I look at my tat and realize its representation. From the symbol (an obviously foreign Japanese symbol of "Faith"), to the color (deepblack on my marginally caramel skintone) to the size (rather small butvery visible) to its location (top right corner of my chestbone) and even the fact that its a permanently sewn emblem to begin with, "Faith" is a thing I am constantly trying to understand. At the same token, thru the depths of my own questions and outright misunderstanding also lies a very real truth that Faith is in me permanently. I've got it. I do believe. I recognize it, but I have to practice it in order to have it even a little bit "perfect"...whateverthat means.

Growing up, while church was a "big deal", having a faith and believing was an even "bigger" and more important topic of discussion. Depending on which member of my family you are talking to, the concepts of faith tend to vary (going to church every Sunday and dressing up meant your faith was huge to some, while for others faith was rooted wholely in a belief, not relying on church attendance as a determinant of faith strength). As I got older,I made my own path. Deep down inside, I always felt that my brain was too advanced to follow anything blindly. Not that I'm "too smart for God" or anything even close to that, but rather that...I've got too many"unanswerable" questions. And the set up of church often irritates me. Its in my nature to question what doesn't add up to me and w/religion, I often feel I can't ask those questions without a ridiculous and unsettling debate, so for me its..."l'm a Believer. Of God and Christ". And leave it at that. I'm content with that. I believe in going to church and worshipping but I don't go every Sunday nor do I feel I have to. The bigger picture for me is doing right by others and making sure that I keep to the "Higher Power" that I know exists, even though I question Him (and myself) silently at times. I pray, but I admit that I could do it more often...but so far I haven't and I dont.

The extent of my Faith has been tested repeatedly as of late--most especially within the last 4 months. I realize I never lost it because when in doubt, it was God I called on to help me thru whatever trial and tribulation I was faced with at the time. Faith has humbled me greatly while still keeping me at an above-average level of confidence. And thru all of this, I'm proud to say I'm currently the happiest I've been in a very long time...

All due to Faith....

1 comment:

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