Something In the Water?

I've been sick as a dog since Sunday and I've just returned to work this morning. The symptoms I had ranged from extreme light sensitivity, leaving me unable to drive much less go out the house to nausea to dizziness whenever I stood for longer than 5 seconds. This was weird.

Yesterday, reluctant to call off work another day, I tried getting dressed for work. I showered and began to lotion. Got up to reach for my body spray and....damn near fell over from dizziness because the time I had to stand to grab it and sit back down to finish my routine was apparently too long. What in the Hell was wrong with me?!

Because I hate going to the doctor, I began to self-diagnose and listen to other opinions. Anything to keep me from issuing my health insurance card, waiting in a waiting room for a million hours, getting picked and prodded at, and sent unnecessary "necessary" tests "just to make sure all the boxes are checked" which in turn run my pockets to ground even after insurance pays their part, right? I got opinons ranging from having "vertigo" to being pregnant (this I did not find amusing one bit). I even reasoned with myself on Monday night that I had endured a mental breakdown of some sort. I've been so stressed that this sounded like a probable reason for my sudden illness. Plus, aside from becoming hoarse twice a year and the occasional issues I have with my hypoglycemia, I've never really been sick. Something was wrong with me indeed.

My stubborness began to fade and my guy finally took me to the Urgent Care to get the official diagnosis. After waiting for what seemed like IONS (literally) and being issued a CT scan because my massive headache and other symptoms had gone on continuously for three days, it was founded that I had an extreme migraine coupled with a sinus infection. I've never in my life had a sinus issue but my guy smokes so I gather this is where its root formed. I received my meds and went home. Boy I hate the doc though. That wait was ridiculous.

Later on in the day, my guy got sick. And by sick, I mean "head banging suddenly during the Celts game and curling in my lap in the fetal position in front of his boys" type sick. His sinuses started acting up as well. Plus he had oddly sudden flu symptoms. All of this happened in about 30 minutes time.

And now, while at work, one of my coworkers just called off. His sinuses have him begging for mercy. My manager's kids are both sick with the same issues...and they don't live in the same house at all.

I'm inclined to believe that there's something in the water. Though I understand it's "Spring Season" which is an easy translation for "Sick Season" due to the changing and variant temperatures between winter and summer (especially in Chicago; our weather here is definitely Manic Depressive, no jokes), the fact that everyone is getting sick doesnt shock me as much as it alarms me a bit more than it has in past years and times. I just want to stress the importance of taking simple health measures to ensure your health and prevent sickness that seems to be spreading like wildfire.

1. Wash your hands repeatedly - When I was younger I used to be a little OCD with this practice, always washing my hands repeatedly. I dont even recall why I was this way or even when it began to fade to a normal level, but Im sure this helped to contribute to my being relatively healthy for majority of my life too. Anyway, washing before using the bathroom as well as after helps to prevent germs from spreading both to yourself as well as your own germs spreading onto others. And if youre like me and deal with customers all day, you'll see how this very practice is just as important as any other.

2. Water - Now this is something I have to work on myself but....water really is the best medicine this season. I mean hydration is important and not only does water hydrate you but it replenishes and helps to restore a weakened system infected with things like sinus issues and the like. Ive been drinking bottle after bottle of water lately and I am not used to this. I know I said Ive been healthy my whole life but....water has never been a big thing for me. While in high school I HAD to drink it as I was a member of cross country, track and dance, but as a general rule? Nope. As Ive gotten older though, Ive learned that without it, my system is going.to.crumble. Period.

3. Sleep - I talk about my own issues I've had with sleep, which have, as recently as January of this year, just started to normalize and stablize. Sleep is so important.

4. Raw Fruits and Veggies - Since I hate docs and meds with a PASSION!!!, Ive always gotten into the practice of eating raw fruits and vegetables. And not even just because I hate doctors and medications, but also because they are freaking delicious! Ive never been a huge junk food snacker, but Ive always been a snacker! Ive been conditioned since I was little to eat "healthy food", and not even really realize it. I'd eat carrot and celery sticks, apple slices (with no PB), fruit bowls and veggie trays. Mommy made these ALL the time. And now? I only eat chips, cakes and the like when I am absolutely STARVING with no other options. I tell no tales. This is truth. Raw fruits and veggies are medications for the future which means, this is probably why Ive never been sick as well.

That's all I have time to share though. I just felt I needed to tell this tale of illness and the precautions that are easily missed but deemed necessary. We cant take advantage of this body and though its the Season of Sick, that doesnt mean we have to flow with THAT tide.

Ms_Slim

I'm Alive, but still on...Hiatus...

"My Soul's been moved and danced upon and picked and prodded and questioned and evaluated and hypothesized and experimentized....." (c) Me

So...

I'll be back here in May.

Til then......this is where I am: HERE!

Enjoy!

Ms_Slim

Recess...

In the recesses of my mind, I sit and think. Think and sit. Then act. And reflect. Then make changes if needed. This is the order of my processes---of my stream of recessed consciousness.

I think about where I am, where my current path is headed where I wanna be and what routes in my path need to be diverted changed or altered to get me to my desired destination. I reflect on the accomplishments I have, the credentials on my resume, and my collective hard work I've put in over a period of years and do a mental cross analysis of where that work and effort has landed me in present-day. I must admit that in the recesses of my mind I can get a bit discouraged and outright frustrated at times. I must remember that no one said the road on Life Blvd was a smooth one. Rather, its bumpt and filled with mass construction at certain intersections which causes some pretty heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic. Sometimes traffic is light and sometimes you'll come upon random pedestrians trying to divert you off your path by selling goods while you're at a stop light or even walking directly w/in your line of sight. And with that, sometimes there's an accident of the detrimental variety and other times the accident is a blessing in disguise. Whatever the case, the path is unpredictable and uninhibited entirely. What doesn't change is the fact that you're behind the wheel and at the end of the day, its you that's in charge of your destination, no one else.

I've digressed completely. Well....sorta.

I'm in charge of my path and in times of frustration, sitting, thinking, acting, and reflecting all in the recesses of my mind, I realize that its up to no one but my own person to change my path (or alter it in some way) to get to my desired destination....

Revelation: Faith

*I know I've been gone for months on end. A ton of stuff has happenedleaving me with much more responsibilities and priorities under mybelt than I ever bargained for within the last 4 months. Life....*


But let's talk about Faith. And me.

Faith....


I've got it. But I question it very often. I believe it. But for me,I've always struggled with the concept of "complete blind faith". It didn't make sense to me (but I guess that's the point--the "testing of faith"), and I'm at an age and mental state where things have to make relative "sense" otherwise.....I just don't deal with it. I admit Ihave low patience.

But its different with Faith....

I look at my tat and realize its representation. From the symbol (an obviously foreign Japanese symbol of "Faith"), to the color (deepblack on my marginally caramel skintone) to the size (rather small butvery visible) to its location (top right corner of my chestbone) and even the fact that its a permanently sewn emblem to begin with, "Faith" is a thing I am constantly trying to understand. At the same token, thru the depths of my own questions and outright misunderstanding also lies a very real truth that Faith is in me permanently. I've got it. I do believe. I recognize it, but I have to practice it in order to have it even a little bit "perfect"...whateverthat means.

Growing up, while church was a "big deal", having a faith and believing was an even "bigger" and more important topic of discussion. Depending on which member of my family you are talking to, the concepts of faith tend to vary (going to church every Sunday and dressing up meant your faith was huge to some, while for others faith was rooted wholely in a belief, not relying on church attendance as a determinant of faith strength). As I got older,I made my own path. Deep down inside, I always felt that my brain was too advanced to follow anything blindly. Not that I'm "too smart for God" or anything even close to that, but rather that...I've got too many"unanswerable" questions. And the set up of church often irritates me. Its in my nature to question what doesn't add up to me and w/religion, I often feel I can't ask those questions without a ridiculous and unsettling debate, so for me its..."l'm a Believer. Of God and Christ". And leave it at that. I'm content with that. I believe in going to church and worshipping but I don't go every Sunday nor do I feel I have to. The bigger picture for me is doing right by others and making sure that I keep to the "Higher Power" that I know exists, even though I question Him (and myself) silently at times. I pray, but I admit that I could do it more often...but so far I haven't and I dont.

The extent of my Faith has been tested repeatedly as of late--most especially within the last 4 months. I realize I never lost it because when in doubt, it was God I called on to help me thru whatever trial and tribulation I was faced with at the time. Faith has humbled me greatly while still keeping me at an above-average level of confidence. And thru all of this, I'm proud to say I'm currently the happiest I've been in a very long time...

All due to Faith....

24

Tomorrow is the date. 24 years on this Earth. It's my Golden Year....

And how do I feel about it?

*shrugs* I've got no feelings really.

Fact is...as I get older, I tend to look at Life through a different lens, expanding my perspective by pulling through the perception of others and their experiences and lives and also...by simply learning Life's lessons as I go.

If I could sum "me" up in just one word and expand on its meaning for me, well.......I couldn't. There are far too many adjectives that can be used to describe my person. I guess that's why I'm a Libra. I'm the most indecisive person I know. (I'm also a Virgo personality-wise, but that's neither here nor there)...

I'm constantly working on myself, trying to improve, elevate myself in all aspects of my life (intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, etc), and just try and become a better person all around. It's definitely a process that seems to never end and while I'll always be a "work in progress", I've taken note of a few things that I've noticed about myself on the way.

1. I'm Impatient - This is in reference to myself as well as things and people around me. At times I feel like my impatient nature is waning and I'm getting "better" but then something will happen (or not happen) and I'll get impatient with myself...or others around me for that something happening or not happening. I contribute this to two factors...

2. ...I'm Spoiled (still) - Blame P3 for this, but before him, I was unreasonably spoiled. He just curbed it. smh. No I am not the only child. I'm the middle child and I definitely had a case of Middle Child Syndrome, but I've always found a way to get my way and if I don't...I dont "throw a fit" but....I get impatient. Second factor would be...

3. ...I've got a bucketload of Pride - I've joked many a time that when I leave this great Earth, my cause of death would be none other than me partaking in one of the Seven Deadly Sins far too often. That deadly sin.......is Pride. I've got a very high self-esteem and I'm pretty independent and very used to having to deal with everything on my own. With that being said, I dont find comfort in asking for help. I see that as a weakness. Yes I am aware I need to work on this....but it, just like the other things listed, is a process, nothing to be achieved overnight.

4. I'm very indecisive. In everything - It's a mess. I flip flop my mind so much, I oftentimes get a headache. I weigh out the pros and cons of Life far too often, preventing me from simply "living" and giving trust a try. This brings me to my next point....

5. I (still) have unbelievable trust issues - I swear I'm going to try VERY hard to work on this. I say this very often. I'm serious this time lol. Me taking on the weight of myself plus the weight of others can only go so far. I'm actively taking the baby steps into becoming a more "open" person by opening up when necessary (see: giving advice, as a means to help someone else, but not just run of the mill chatter). Gotta learn to crawl before you walk and walk before you run.

6. I really do love but I'm not easy to love - It's all guard and my inability to pull said guard down at times. I realize it's all up to me. I've just got to learn patience with myself in easing the guard as well as patience with those around me as they muster the patience towards me while I very slowly let down said guard. (Did that confuse you?)

7. I'm growing out of my Fear factor I've held onto for so long but...it's still relatively there - Life experiences has me at a more "optimistic realist" approach in Life while at the same time fearing advancement because everyone knows that advancement comes with falls first. I'm just afraid of the falls. I don't heal easily. Again, still a process I have to get through. I'm learning.

Revelation: Pride

My name is "Ms_Slim" and I am very prideful.

Sure I know that this is one of the "Seven Deadly Sins", but there are times where I can not help this aspect of my being. Heck, there are times I am so wrapped in what I am doing that I do not realize the grand toll my pride has taken on a particular situation or environment that I am in.

But over the last few weeks, I have noticed the magnitude of which my pride tends to reign supreme....and subsequently come crashing down as a result.

And when it crashed, by golly it crashes. Hard.

Now? I'm kinda humbled. And it's only because I had to humble myself for the "greater good". At the end of the day though, I am still pretty prideful. I'm still too proud to ask for help when I really REALLY need it. I'm still too proud to admit my shortcoming to the world. I am still too proud to admit that in a particular situation, I was wrong....(but I wasn't the only one wrong). I'm still too proud to utter my true feelings out of fear (yes, I am still in a certain amount of fear; not the degree as before but in fear nonetheless)

However, half of the battle in all of this is the recognition, right? The acknowledgment of such obstacles, no? Though I'm "still too proud", the fact that I've admitted these things is a step in the right direction, right? I'm recognizing that I need to work on asking for help because no one is perfect. I'm admitting that I have a shortcoming, though I am not comfy or rather---"too proud"--to share it with the world. I admit that in that particular situation, I was (partly) wrong, even though I never admitted it to the person involved. I admit that I still have work to do. As does anyone else.

Some time ago, I'd never admit these things, in my head or aloud. I think I've made some progress.

I miss my granddad. Today would be his 84th birthday. Today is a reflective day for me.

fin.

sidenote: When I tried looking for a pic to accompany this blog via Google Images, how come all that came up was Gay Pride pics? smh. I am not the one. No pic for this blog I suppose.

AHNS: Counter-Opinion

The SLH is at it again. I had him read the John Mayer post and he profusely disagreed with his stance. Here is the discussion between him and I. Enjoy.





SLH: Interesting quote
But you're not gonna like my response

me: LOL You’re usually on a different plane as far as everything goes anyway, so I’m not surprised

SLH: I think he's complicating life. Why use 64 colors when you can make whatever color blend necessary with 8. If you go out and buy a small fast sports car for speed, a minivan for size, a 2 ton truck for power and a motorcycle for quick maneuverability, you're (in my opinion) overstocking yourself when all you needed was a Kia Sophia to get you to and from A to B. Searching for that perfect magenta is like looking at a single tree in a forest and wondering why it's not to your liking

me: of course I disagree. John Mayer is talkin bout personal growth. Why limit your growth when u know there’s more growing to do? Why just be satisfied with where u are when u know u can ALWAYS improve

SLH: cause some people can get things done with what they're born with (8 crayons with no sharpener) and rather create than build their arsenal of colors

me: even now youre doing more, with everything you do in your life and the risks you’ve taken to advance yourself. There’s always room to grow. Yes there are those that do well with the 8. They can use the blue and green and white and create cerulean. But there are others that only seee blue and are stuck in that one color


SLH: right but i'm not sitting back saving up all of my money and saying 'one day i'll be ready to buy a house and a camera and find a job' I'm doing things along the way…some I succeed at, some I fail at, but sitting back complaining 'this doesn't feel right' would never get me anywhere

me: THATS what im talkin about. The immobile, not the ones making out what they can with what they have and sitting back and complaining is stupid. ACTION is what im on lol

SLH: but that's what mayer does in the quote. He’s complaining and letting a fine purple walk away cuz she's not on the same level as what he expects. Searching for a 64 pack is a good way to end up unsatisfied and friendless

me: I think you’re reading too much into the quote. You’re talking about accepting people for who they are. I’m not talking about that at all. I’m talking about people limiting themselves from their potential

SLH: but who are you (or john) to say someone's purple should be a magenta

me: not looking "beyond their life's lens" and only seeing one side to their life but not making any progress

SLH: if they work wonders with their purple lifestyle rock on

me: sigh
if they work wonders in purple, then they arent purple. They are magenta

SLH: hahaha. That makes no sense


SLH: This is similar to a talk I had with my dad about teaching. He considers it a waste of my life to want to teach because I have so much potential. He said with my degree and creativity it would be a waste to be in a classroom with some kids who don't give a damn. To me... that's john mayer telling me my purple sucks and I should want to be a Renaissance man about town wowwing the masses. But if I want to teach and I'm good at it in my own opinion... then rock on I shall

me: LOL!!! Well I'm clearly looking at it w/in the realm of limited thinking whereas you’re on some "but if I’m purple, why cant I just take the purple and add a lil black and make magenta?" If you read the whole thing you’ll see I said, "How is purple all you see when sitting next to you there's blue and red and next to them orange and green? And on the ends there's black and white? And when you meet new people and do new things, there's a wide array of ciruleans and mahogoney's abounds? How are you comfy with "just being purple"?" Meaning people that ONLY see one lane of sight.

SLH: key words in your last line 'you' and 'comfy'. If someone's comfortable with themselves... rock on

me: I just feel like everyone should go for their potential and u do too

SLH: That's a different argument. I agree with that too but if their potential is the way they're going and you see them and say 'hey, you should be going that direction!' that's odd to me. They can shine their brightest with their boring purple, why ask them to be something different

me: no I'd never tell a person where they should be going, but if they are say.....good at drawing right? And then they go to an art school--excel and blah blah, then get offered a job like Michaelangelou and they don’t take it, that’s odd. That’s not reaching your potential, that’s wasting time. Like-- why go to school and be an art major only to turn down a top job you seemed to have always wanted?

SLH: ok, hold that thought and think back. Has anyone ever told you 'you should be a professional writer/actress/athlete/model/wrestler! you're so good at it!' and you knew they were speaking out of kindness but you just knew it wasn't where you were headed?

Me: Yes

SLH: Now put yourself into the purple position and imagine that person who suggested that considered you a waste of potential for not agreeing

me: I mean....I’ve had people tell me to do this and that but it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life; modeling is a hobby for me and nothing I see myself doing for my LIFE but yes I’ve had people tell me "you should do THIS with your life". But if I were to act like that’s what I wanted to do with myself and then get offered a spot on ANTM, turn around and win get a contract and when I’m supposed to sign it I go, “I don’t wanna do this for my life", that doesn’t make sense.


SLH: So that artist might not wish to be the Mchaelangelo of her/his time. Nothing wrong with that.

me: I’m saying....people that aim for a goal shouldn’t stop at a certain point when they put all their effort or energy into it

SLH: He doesn't mention anything about a goal

me: Like...why go out for American Idol if you don’t wanna be on the show and win?

SLH: He just mentions someone on a different path than himself

me: Well im talkin bout goals

SLH: He says 'they're doing their purple thing'

me: I took it somewhere else

SLH: they're not idle--sitting back doing nothing

me: You’re right. I took it up a notch. I mean do u still disagree with where I'm coming from though?

SLH: I disagree with the quote in general, not so much your take on goals



**I wish I could color-code my blog so you could get a better distinction of who says what; I have no clue what happened to that feature. Does anyone know? :-/

Always Happy, Never Satisfied

I saw a quote by John Mayer that I stumbled upon from another blog and HAD to post it. Take a look for yourself. And yes, John Mayer is fine as wine, but...read the quote he spits below his picture.

I'll wait....





Doper words on life and social interaction have never been spoken. I feel like with the more people progress as individuals, the more other individuals within a group or a relationship, that are in direct relation to said individual, have a tendency to either 1. stay where they are or B. fall off completely due to "comfort level" within the relationship. It's like a chain reaction of sorts.

Of course this doesn't happen in EVERY interaction/relationship/friendship....but it happens. And when it does, someone is left feeling inadequate or as Mayer eloquently puts it, "...and I'm like, "no--I want magenta!" Someone (if not all parties involved) is bound to feel some kinda way when the individual is "progressin' in the Recession".

As we grow older, we as individuals shouldn't aspire to reach a "peak" (or "desired color") and live in comfort atop our own personal mountaintop. There's always another mountain to climb and a higher peak to reach. Of course there are those that vie for a simple life--middle class and happiness. Nothing major. This blog isn't about the materialistic. It's about personal growth. We should ALWAYS be growing. No excuses. Humans evolve and with human evolution also comes evolution of the mind. We are constantly changing, constantly having to adjust to said changes, and constantly molding into new beings, new positions, better humans. After all, if there was a limit to life (and I obviously don't mean the fundamentals of life and death either), why is the sky limitless? There's no end to it for a reason.

How is purple all you see when sitting next to you there's blue and red and next to them orange and green? And on the ends there's black and white? And when you meet new people and do new things, there's a wide array of ciruleans and mahogoneys abounds? How are you comfy with "just being purple"? How does that work? You don't even want to try out for Magenta? Weird. Very weird. But then again...maybe the 64-count isn't your thing. Or even an 8-count for that matter. And if that's the case.......that sucks. Who wants to just be with "their kind" only day in and day out? No one moves. Everyone remains the same. And all the while, minds deteriorate. As Jay put it...."[that] can't be life".

This reminds me of a book I read when I was in college in a class I was taking over the summer in 2007. In my Children's Literature class, I chose to do my Final Project on "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. The book is about a structured "world" where people are birthed and from then on are handed their "assignments" or roles in life. There are those that have kids, those that do labor work, etc etc. They are "programmed" from birth not to "look beyond the scope" of their Life's lens and for that reason, they are ALL very limited and extremely boring beings. One child was given the "assignment" of "The Giver", the person that knows the secrets to the world and beyond. Only--he can't really question what's out there, though unlike everyone else, he KNOWS there is more out there. The amazing part? He goes above and beyond his duties and UTILIZES his role and goes for more, leaves the world and goes beyond.

Though it's a child's book, the schematics and the mindset is definitely adult. I had to keep looking at it and even went as far as too research this book to make sure that it is indeed for kids. "Children should not be reading this book", I thought. Then again...they should. So they know ahead of time....evolution is necessary for growth. Without it, our souls are dead.

So as Mayer said (I'm just gonna summarize what he meant), since we (should) all change and evolve as humans are prone to do, "purple" shouldn't be as far as the eye can see. Magenta should be what we're aiming for. And after that? Well there'll always be a better, more inventive color after "Magenta".


My homie and I engaged in a discussion to which he countered this entire blog. Click HERE to read it. Enjoy!

Representative Pieces....

Haven't written in a while. Haven't penned a poem in months. I can say that Life hit, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I've had a LOT to say and even tried to write a piece over a week ago.....all to no avail.

There's too much in my head to sort through.

Too many emotions going all over the place, making me feel very uncomfortable and dare I say it....insecure.

I am never insecure. Like never ever. This is new.

And this is the song of my life right now.

Kindred - Far Away




And because I actually feel like screaming (but won't), this song also reigns right now:

Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson- Scream



Next post will be better.....

Isn't it funny...

...how the ones we trust the most are the ones that can hurt us the most and the quickest...

...are also the ones we admire the most and tend to lean on with the most ease...

...and are also the ones whose opinions means the most...

...but at the end of it all, we still get the most tongue-tied, disconnected, discombombulated, confused and incoherent when we need them the most?



*I know I promised two more parts to the "Death of a Legend" series I started on Michael Jackson, but that moment has passed at present. I may pick up on it again soon. Or do it in more parts and segments*

Revelation: Fear

I haven't really opened up about it...but it's because I am in fear.

In my life, fear seems to be the only constant or control, with everything else set as variables that are willing to change, leave, come, go and transform at the blink of an eye. With or without my consent.

P3 has been patient though, even though he knows just as well as I do that it is my fear that can cause the detriment of anything we have created thus far as well as anything that may develop for our future. I know this. I see his frustration and withdrawal which only happens as a consequence to my own balling up, shielding, and withdrawing that I do so well.

My guard is thick and hard. Still. This is a good thing as it keeps me from being naive and susceptible to a lot of situations and circumstances I could have been placed under should my walls have only been guarded by one member of security versus the system that has been set up over time: multiple armed and militant guards standing in front of several layers of fences and mass steel doors which cover a security system in-house that's more strict than Mission: Impossible.

It is easy to infer that my "mission" has become Mission: Not A Chance in Hell. So this fear--this shield has become a double-edged sword of sorts, to put it in short.

And it's all marred by the house I live in that I've not so affectionately named, "Fear". And up til now, I was fine with my place of residence. Cuz I wasn't ready to deal. I couldnt'. Wouldn't. Told myself I shadn't.

But now I think I'm ready to move. Yet, I'm very cautious to step out of the house and breath the air that awaits outside sans the guards and heightened security system. I love my protection.

But...

It's preventing me from being able to take the risks necessary to advance past GO. I keep thinking of ways in which I'd get too comfy with the outdoors, fuck around and scrap my knee or break my leg from a "fall" and need my bed rest back into my House...rather than just "go it" and hope for the best.

I'm scared of everything. And I have yet to collect $200.00.



*For some reason, the song I put on here to support this blog wouldn't provide me with a link to paste it on here. I had Jazmine Sullivan's "Fear" in mind, though. Just act as though it's playing on this blog anyway, lol

Happiness, by SLH

Hey, All.

Remember the Spike Lee Hater (SLH) from this post and this post? Well he's back (for this blog, of course) and has given me a little insight on the topic of 'happiness'. This is why I keep this guy around. He is so genuine and I love his analogies on Life. I thought this needed to be shared with others and who am I to be selfish and stingy? Read on. It isn't long. I promise.



Happiness, as seen from the eyes of SLH:

Think of happiness..as eating right.
Everyday you eat.
Some days you come up on free meals...that are delicious.
Some days you pay for good food.
Some days you spend a lot and come up with crappity crap crap
And some days you cook for yourself
Either way, end of the day...you need to get fed

So think of yourself cooking...as you making your own happiness
If it's sunny outside, decide to enjoy the sun
If it's rainy outside, decide to enjoy the rain
If the radio is playing all left handed artists...decide you love you some left-handed Luther*
Take the ingredients you got and make yourself a good meal
Now...once you've satisfied your own hunger, think of those around you that also need to eat
Every day they have to find food...either pay for it, come up on free food or hope you share your cooking

It's impossible for everyone to be satisfied/happy/excited about their food every day
But you learn what you like
And you learn what others like
And before you know it, you're a bomb ass chef
And you're cookin up the unimaginable and not only do you like it...those around you wanna eat off your pot too
It's not gonna happen immediately
And just cuz you made a good meal yesterday or ate well last week...doesn't mean you'll eat well tonight



*I asked if Luther was really a lefty and he said, "no clue, but it worked for my little rant". lol. Everyone have a good Tuesday.

I Wanna...

Hey, All. How'd you like the new layout? One thing about me--I can't keep a layout for TOO long. I get bored and in everything I do, I've gotta change things up to keep the heat going.

Continuing on...

April is National Poetry Month and since I'm just now getting back to the swing of things here on Blogger, I figure I throw one up. Who cares if Im towards the end of the month? lol

This piece isn't even finished...I don't think. But here's what I've got so far.

**Click the PLAY button to hear the song for this blog below (also - you may wanna PAUSE or STOP the song playing on the blog over on the right too :) )

Enjoy.

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

I Wanna...


I wanna feel the wind come up from underneath me
Wrap itself around me
Take hold of me
And lift me up

High above the ground effortlessly
Gracefully
And like a bird in the sky, I fly
Like TinkerBell. Perhaps better. Like Mal.

I wanna find that permanent grin that's hidden
Ever so clever-ly within the molds of my face
And finds cover within the depth of my soul
I'm prepared to hunt it down, like in a treasure hunt
But I know it can't be forced

Pushing all the obvious attributes aside
I realize that I've gotta find it deep inside
For within me, so deeply it hides
My latest tat reminds me daily
I know its in there somewhere

I wanna dream big in a realistic fantasy
Without barriers
Or worries
It'd be nice to also be void of responsibility or priority

Close my eyes and fall into a slumber
And dream a dream so real I believe it's real
Even though my mind's been reeled into the beauty of such a cosmic lie
That I eventuallyl wake up and whisper, 'I can'

Life's A Pimp

*peeks around door* Anyone there? *walks in and waves* Hey.

I'm back....I think.

I haven't posted a real blog in a very long time. All I can say is that Life happened...and is still happening. I'm getting through, taking steps, and learning.

Thing is though, despite my 'thirst for knowledge'...I'm kinda tired of 'learning'.

Walk with me just a bit. It'll make sense, I promise.

I say that Life is the greatest teacher. It's the greatest teacher of self, of love, of happiness, of success, of sadness, of pain, of experiences. Without a doubt, Life teaches it all.

However what I'm tired of is....how said lessons are taught. You see, I compare the dynamics of learning in Life with learning in School and I have to remind myself that....Life lessons and School lessons are completely NOT one in the same.

And that's what I hate.

In Life, I feel as though nothing is learned until it is experienced. And it isn't experienced until a 'failing' of some sort happens. (I don't know the fire is hot until I touch its flames.) In school, I never failed. I excelled automatically. I never struggled in school. In fact, I was an Honors student in college and was on organizations and everything. I didn't have to FAIL in order to retain the lessons taught to me. I was guided through instruction and PASSED...with flying colors. (I was told beforehand that the flames will hurt my skin if I touch them so therefore, I stayed the fuck back.)

In Life, it isn't until I fall that I "get" the lesson I am supposed to learn. I have a major problem with that. And for that reason alone, I don't want the lessons anymore. I just want to know beforehand. This 'learning as I go' mess is for the birdies. For real.

Now am I struggling with Life? I certainly wouldn't say so. However, I have very little patience (and I'm spoiled...still, smh), so it would behoove me to have a manual of some sort.

**************************************************************************************

Here's a blog I wrote sometime in February that never got posted. I called it, "Life's a Pimp"

Life's a Pimp

I don't know everything.

I mean I never claimed to know everything in the first, but...recently it either feels like I don't know as much as I thought or...I don't know anything at all. Considering the fact that I know I am a very intelligent individual, I'll go with the former choice instead.

I understand that I'm still learning. Still making mistakes and going through the random periods of trial, error, and (in some cases) complete and utter fucking up altogether. Such is life. I just wish that there was a manual to this whole 'Life' thing at times. Or perhaps I'm the only one that feels I should have been equipped with an instruction book at onset. A cheat-sheet of sorts. Or something.

"How to Successfully Play Life Instead of Life Playing You" seems like the appropriate title of a best-seller, no?

Sigh.


That's all I had to say,

Ms_Slim

Insomniac Ramblings Part 194

It's 2am and I've gotta be up at 5 yet.....there isn't any part of my body that is sleepy. At all. I swear I'm beginning to think that this particular bout of Insomnia is only getting worse instead of better. I have my own ideas and theories of why that is but....ah well for now I guess...

Anyway, I'm in my mind tonight and I'm thinking about a plethora of things. I realize also that I haven't written a haiku in years. I "quit" writing them because I reached a point where I felt like the complexity of haikus were both simple yet complex at the same time. They were simple in that they were only comprised of three lines and very few and rather simple words usually. Yet they were complex because (at least for me), when a haiku was written, I never felt like I had enough down...yet, by definition and 'rules' of the haiku, I did.

However, I was talking to one of my homegirls who just so happens to have a blogspot too, VerbFashion, and we got to talking about haikus, so I said I'd throw one up here to reflect my present state of mind. Here goes:

Late night thoughts run by

Seeping through and purging forth

Crevices of me

I'm rusty,

Ms_Slim

The Spike Lee Hater, Part 2 (final)

Background: This is the relevant IM thread from yesterday. We got on the subject of Spike Lee because we were discussing the outing I was to go on later on that night (last night) and I mentioned to him how I was going to go see The International with Clive Owen. For me, Clive Owen is most memorable for Inside Man, a Spike Lee movie. From there went this:

Ms_Slim: Have u seen Inside Man?

Spike Lee Hater: yup

Ms_Slim: Thats easily one of my fav films. I love Spike Lee. And I love him more that he isn’t Tyler Perry.

Spike Lee Hater: That might be the only Spike movie I can sit thru

Ms_Slim: (shocked face) …and why's that?!?!

SLH: I think other than Crooklyn, I never enjoyed the stories.

Ms_Slim: Those are fighting words, son. I mean not even Malcolm X!

…or even....even....EVEN Do the Right Thing?! …or Jungle Fever? I don’t know, man...I’m too blown away by that statement.

SLH: Documentaries are different, nothing to script as far as plots go. I enjoyed X

Do the Right Thing, School Daze--I just don't think if I had kids I'd want them watching them. There's nothing positive about them in my eye

Ms_Slim: Maaaaaaaaaaaan. I swear I never ever expected you to say that. You’re a predictable guy. No surprise about you at all. But that right there? That shocked me and I had to get up for a sec.

SLH: I'm not gonna lie, a big part of me is not a fan of black folks and Spike's one of the reasons

Ms_Slim: Not even Bamboozled though? Come ON man!!! I grew up on Spike Lee movies and Hip Hop so I couldn’t see any part of my childhood without those elements really.

SLH: Bamboozled... one of the worst pieces of cinema I've ever sat thru. It took about 5 years to stomach thru actually watching it.

Ms_Slim: OMG! I’m having a hard time with that statement. Why don’t u like Spike? I mean he isn’t like Tyler perry, who brings forth stereotypes to a comical screen much like Bojangles. Spike Lee educates. I’m totally outdone.

SLH: Tyler Perry itches my soul somethin’ awful also, but they're two different itches

Ms_Slim: There are a lot of things people didn’t/don’t know about that he brings to screen and opens eyes to them. See: Do the Right Thing…or Jungle Fever…and especially Bamboozled. Wow.

SLH: I suppose I just choose to get my education elsewhere. I won't knock anyone who follows any of the movies. They just didn't speak to me

Ms_Slim: I mean i can understand them not speakin to you (I’m basically telling him to respect the craft and acknowledge the greatness regardless), but you said you’re not a fan of black folk, which I knew, but then u said that Spike is one reason why…and I don’t get that, considering he's an educator.

SLH: As for being an educator, everyone is an educator to someone. Spike just happens to not be an educator to me

Ms_Slim: okay…..(a bit confused)…fair enough....I guess

SLH: I feel he pushes an empty point--stand up and say something--fight it--don't take it sitting down!

...Someone asks 'what are we fighting?' Nobody knows. Same with certain music of that era

“Fight the power!”

What power?

Why are we fighting?

Ms_Slim: WOW

SLH: Same with poetry. If it's not telling me anything substantial, I’d rather not bother with it

Ms_Slim: Ahhhhhh….

SLH: Same with reading books

Ms_Slim: Stop! Stop! Stop!

SLH: If I'm not gaining anything...I have to put it down

Ms_Slim: I’m gonna jump through the computer and wring a certain 18 inch neck for all this blasphemy! Now you’re on POETRY?!

SLH: I'll easily say I learned more from the Lion King than any Spike Lee movie

Ms_Slim: Are u aware of who you’re typing to? lol

SLH: I learned more from Forrest Gump than any Spike Lee movie. There's ways to tell a story so you instill lessons in it... and there's way to put out a film that you feel is deep. Spike Lee puts out what he feels is deep (I saw that point. One point for the SLH!) Unfortunately, he and I share a different level of depth apparently (meh)

Ms_Slim: I’m sorry. I had to leave the screen for a second because you were talking from the crevice on the side of your neck. ah well :) (Our insults are said jokingly)

SLH: Understandable.

Ms_Slim: I feel so violated right now

SLH: Male coworkers staring at you too hard?

Ms_Slim: I’m guessing you have a problem with Maya Angelou too (He said ‘same with poetry’, so…)

SLH: She's never done anything to move me, but I did hear her speak

Ms_Slim: (referencing the ‘male coworkers’ statement).....considering there isnt a drop of testosterone on board, I'm gonna have to go with no

SLH: She's a very moving speaker

Ms_Slim: So she HAS done something to move you!

SLH: I was seated at the time

Ms_Slim: LMAO. Congrats, [SLH]. You prompted a blog from me! :)

** Now I'll admit that after his explanation, I saw his side of things. He made a lot of sense. The conversation continued and we expanded into the dynamics of music of the 90s (namely: Public Enemy, McLyte, Sister Soldja, and KRS-1). We even discussed the influence that music had on the Black race in the 90s (his argument saying that it stemmed from the 80s--which I agree with). We discussed Forrest Gump and its lessons as well as the Black mentality and how (as a race--collectively) our race has slacked on the part of taking responsibility for our own destiny, downfalls, and life in general and have resorted to blaming "The Man" for the bulk of our shortcomings. We also discussed psychology, the church, and the importance of parents in a child's life. All of this...spawned from the Spike Lee discussion...and he doesn't see Spike's depth. HA!

Insomniac Ramblings Part 193

It's 5am right now.

This is my third (and possibly last) time getting up during the night for the day.

Sleeping in quick and very uneven bursts. Clearly Insomnia has made a Comeback. Been in the works for the last several weeks.

Now its feet are planted firmly on my soul for the time being, holding me captive for.....I can't be sure how long. I never am. It rules, not I.

Right now though, I'm packing and preparing for a much-needed weekend vacay from it all. I plan to de-stress, of course. And hopefully kick Insomnia back to where it came from.

On second thought, maybe that last part of what I expect from my weekend getaway is asking too much?


I need my Pillow. Dammit.

When It Hurts...

When It Hurts....

Avant - When It Hurts (New)
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989

What a night I’m having. Blah.

Anyway…Ahhh…I heard this song for the umpteenth time today on the way home from work and it wasn’t until today that it actually made me think on a grander scale than, “yea…he’s right”.

This song is personal for me for a couple reasons but the most notable—the one I’d share is how the song made me think of my ex.

I make reference to my ex every now and again. You see, my ex and I split a while ago, tried for a year and a half to repair, realized it wouldn’t work and here we are. Apart. All good on my end. On his…..well that isn’t really what’s important lol…

The song, “When It Hurts” is talking about and suggesting giving the definition of love another meaning of sorts. So many people look at their relationship, see how great it’s going and it’s “I’m in love”…then if something unexpected happens and the happiness fades and is replaced with pain, then it’s “forget him/her” and “it’s over”. The song is asking that when things are going bad (when it hurts), you still have that same passion…that same desire for your mate. When it hurts, you’re still there. When it hurts, you don’t cash in the chips so quickly but rather you work on it—work through it—and get through the bad patches together. When it hurts…

But what if it’s hurting all so badly all too often? Is that song still relevant? Is it fair to have a breaking point and put ‘love’ aside and favor personal sanity?

My ex and I went through a lot of things in our relationship. We were together for some years and we ultimately grew up and apart from one another. But what really drove us to stop trying to work things out was the fact that we kept playing our version of “When It Hurts” in our heads throughout the duration of our relationship until it was the only song that could describe what we were.

All intimate relationships have their ups and downs, their smooth roads and rough patches, and the days you love versus the days you…”meh, love”, but if the bad starts to outweigh the good and if that pain mounts itself onto your soul until you see no more blue skies but rather a steam of dark clouds, gray skies, and terrible weather filled with the worst storms days can buy, and “When It Hurts” becomes the prime definition of your relationship rather than, “When In Love”…are you cruel for leaving? Heartless, even?

Everyone deserves their dose of intimate happiness and love shouldn’t hurt more than it feels good.

A Great Day

Have you ever had one of those awesomely awesome days that had no real reason for being super awesome…it just was? That was my day yesterday. Yesterday was a super good day. Mood stayed good all day long, the weather wasn’t on it’s period and the sun shone for much of the day, even though it’s still cold outside, and everything from beginning to end ran pretty smoothly.

Yesterday was a great day.

Now don’t get me wrong, there were a few things that tried to topple my good day and make my good day waver a bit in its goodness. But yesterday, I let not one thing phase me to the point of risking my sanity. A great day indeed.

I’m not saying that I usually have bad days (because I certainly don’t) but usually if something riles me, while it won’t really affect the inner workings of my day, at the very least, my mood may change a little (even if just for a few seconds) in spite of it all. But yesterday, some things tried to come through and ZZZAAAPP!!! It was like I was immune to it all. I was impressed! And usually if nothing even comes to disrupt my day, it just becomes a regular, mediocre day. I don’t know what made yesterday so special but….yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in quite some time.

Maybe it was something I ate. That had to be it….

~shrugs~

Just thought I’d share. How is your day going so far?

Ms_Slim

PS; I'd put Ice Cube's "It Was A Good Day" video up..but it seems wildly inappropriate LOL. Click that link if you want to see it though :)