I haven't really opened up about it...but it's because I am in fear.
In my life, fear seems to be the only constant or control, with everything else set as variables that are willing to change, leave, come, go and transform at the blink of an eye. With or without my consent.
P3 has been patient though, even though he knows just as well as I do that it is my fear that can cause the detriment of anything we have created thus far as well as anything that may develop for our future. I know this. I see his frustration and withdrawal which only happens as a consequence to my own balling up, shielding, and withdrawing that I do so well.
My guard is thick and hard. Still. This is a good thing as it keeps me from being naive and susceptible to a lot of situations and circumstances I could have been placed under should my walls have only been guarded by one member of security versus the system that has been set up over time: multiple armed and militant guards standing in front of several layers of fences and mass steel doors which cover a security system in-house that's more strict than Mission: Impossible.
It is easy to infer that my "mission" has become Mission: Not A Chance in Hell. So this fear--this shield has become a double-edged sword of sorts, to put it in short.
And it's all marred by the house I live in that I've not so affectionately named, "Fear". And up til now, I was fine with my place of residence. Cuz I wasn't ready to deal. I couldnt'. Wouldn't. Told myself I shadn't.
But now I think I'm ready to move. Yet, I'm very cautious to step out of the house and breath the air that awaits outside sans the guards and heightened security system. I love my protection.
It's preventing me from being able to take the risks necessary to advance past GO. I keep thinking of ways in which I'd get too comfy with the outdoors, fuck around and scrap my knee or break my leg from a "fall" and need my bed rest back into my House...rather than just "go it" and hope for the best.
I'm scared of everything. And I have yet to collect $200.00.
*For some reason, the song I put on here to support this blog wouldn't provide me with a link to paste it on here. I had Jazmine Sullivan's "Fear" in mind, though. Just act as though it's playing on this blog anyway, lol