24

Tomorrow is the date. 24 years on this Earth. It's my Golden Year....

And how do I feel about it?

*shrugs* I've got no feelings really.

Fact is...as I get older, I tend to look at Life through a different lens, expanding my perspective by pulling through the perception of others and their experiences and lives and also...by simply learning Life's lessons as I go.

If I could sum "me" up in just one word and expand on its meaning for me, well.......I couldn't. There are far too many adjectives that can be used to describe my person. I guess that's why I'm a Libra. I'm the most indecisive person I know. (I'm also a Virgo personality-wise, but that's neither here nor there)...

I'm constantly working on myself, trying to improve, elevate myself in all aspects of my life (intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, etc), and just try and become a better person all around. It's definitely a process that seems to never end and while I'll always be a "work in progress", I've taken note of a few things that I've noticed about myself on the way.

1. I'm Impatient - This is in reference to myself as well as things and people around me. At times I feel like my impatient nature is waning and I'm getting "better" but then something will happen (or not happen) and I'll get impatient with myself...or others around me for that something happening or not happening. I contribute this to two factors...

2. ...I'm Spoiled (still) - Blame P3 for this, but before him, I was unreasonably spoiled. He just curbed it. smh. No I am not the only child. I'm the middle child and I definitely had a case of Middle Child Syndrome, but I've always found a way to get my way and if I don't...I dont "throw a fit" but....I get impatient. Second factor would be...

3. ...I've got a bucketload of Pride - I've joked many a time that when I leave this great Earth, my cause of death would be none other than me partaking in one of the Seven Deadly Sins far too often. That deadly sin.......is Pride. I've got a very high self-esteem and I'm pretty independent and very used to having to deal with everything on my own. With that being said, I dont find comfort in asking for help. I see that as a weakness. Yes I am aware I need to work on this....but it, just like the other things listed, is a process, nothing to be achieved overnight.

4. I'm very indecisive. In everything - It's a mess. I flip flop my mind so much, I oftentimes get a headache. I weigh out the pros and cons of Life far too often, preventing me from simply "living" and giving trust a try. This brings me to my next point....

5. I (still) have unbelievable trust issues - I swear I'm going to try VERY hard to work on this. I say this very often. I'm serious this time lol. Me taking on the weight of myself plus the weight of others can only go so far. I'm actively taking the baby steps into becoming a more "open" person by opening up when necessary (see: giving advice, as a means to help someone else, but not just run of the mill chatter). Gotta learn to crawl before you walk and walk before you run.

6. I really do love but I'm not easy to love - It's all guard and my inability to pull said guard down at times. I realize it's all up to me. I've just got to learn patience with myself in easing the guard as well as patience with those around me as they muster the patience towards me while I very slowly let down said guard. (Did that confuse you?)

7. I'm growing out of my Fear factor I've held onto for so long but...it's still relatively there - Life experiences has me at a more "optimistic realist" approach in Life while at the same time fearing advancement because everyone knows that advancement comes with falls first. I'm just afraid of the falls. I don't heal easily. Again, still a process I have to get through. I'm learning.

Life's A Pimp

*peeks around door* Anyone there? *walks in and waves* Hey.

I'm back....I think.

I haven't posted a real blog in a very long time. All I can say is that Life happened...and is still happening. I'm getting through, taking steps, and learning.

Thing is though, despite my 'thirst for knowledge'...I'm kinda tired of 'learning'.

Walk with me just a bit. It'll make sense, I promise.

I say that Life is the greatest teacher. It's the greatest teacher of self, of love, of happiness, of success, of sadness, of pain, of experiences. Without a doubt, Life teaches it all.

However what I'm tired of is....how said lessons are taught. You see, I compare the dynamics of learning in Life with learning in School and I have to remind myself that....Life lessons and School lessons are completely NOT one in the same.

And that's what I hate.

In Life, I feel as though nothing is learned until it is experienced. And it isn't experienced until a 'failing' of some sort happens. (I don't know the fire is hot until I touch its flames.) In school, I never failed. I excelled automatically. I never struggled in school. In fact, I was an Honors student in college and was on organizations and everything. I didn't have to FAIL in order to retain the lessons taught to me. I was guided through instruction and PASSED...with flying colors. (I was told beforehand that the flames will hurt my skin if I touch them so therefore, I stayed the fuck back.)

In Life, it isn't until I fall that I "get" the lesson I am supposed to learn. I have a major problem with that. And for that reason alone, I don't want the lessons anymore. I just want to know beforehand. This 'learning as I go' mess is for the birdies. For real.

Now am I struggling with Life? I certainly wouldn't say so. However, I have very little patience (and I'm spoiled...still, smh), so it would behoove me to have a manual of some sort.

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Here's a blog I wrote sometime in February that never got posted. I called it, "Life's a Pimp"

Life's a Pimp

I don't know everything.

I mean I never claimed to know everything in the first, but...recently it either feels like I don't know as much as I thought or...I don't know anything at all. Considering the fact that I know I am a very intelligent individual, I'll go with the former choice instead.

I understand that I'm still learning. Still making mistakes and going through the random periods of trial, error, and (in some cases) complete and utter fucking up altogether. Such is life. I just wish that there was a manual to this whole 'Life' thing at times. Or perhaps I'm the only one that feels I should have been equipped with an instruction book at onset. A cheat-sheet of sorts. Or something.

"How to Successfully Play Life Instead of Life Playing You" seems like the appropriate title of a best-seller, no?

Sigh.


That's all I had to say,

Ms_Slim