Note: I wrote this the other day for the purpose of posting it today...Enjoy!
I’ve just recently realized that my insomnia from July of this year has officially returned ten-fold, if not harsher.
I’m a night person 100%. There’s nothing about me at all that screams, “Morning”. Nothing. In the mornings, I am cranky, very silent, and usually very agitated. I am just not a morning person in the least. The only reason that I speak at all before noon is because I work at 9am and am forced to speak with coworkers and clients all day long, from the moment I enter the office until I leave and go on about my life. Sometimes, in the morning, it is obvious that I am not up for “unnecessary chatter” and the coworkers know this about me by now, but like a professional, I brush it off and keep it moving for the sake of my job.
But that’s not what this is about.
My insomnia is back. Back like a disease that recently went in remission. Back like…crack? * shrugs * I’ve had a particularly difficult time with not just going to sleep but also with staying asleep. Sometimes I am wide awake until 4am, then realize I have to wake up at 7 for work and then when I get to work I am either so tired I can’t function property or I’m incredibly wired and seemingly “unsleepy” until around lunch time and I have a massive crash, which in turn causes me to miss my lunch completely because I need to catch up on sleep…and I do. During my lunch break. For an hour and a half.
Point blank: It’s a mess.
And it’s not like I have absolutely no idea what is causing this ridiculous insomnia that has returned daily for the last two or three weeks. I actually know why it is happening. My issue is trying to deal with it effectively. How do I get to sleep at a reasonable hour and actually stay in that state? Right now it looks like I’ll be up for a while, but other times, I’m in the bed at a reasonable hour and I waken about 4 or 5 times during the night to use the washroom or get a drink of water with the intentions of crawling back into bed and then………………nothing. I can’t take it down again. Next thing I know, I’m up reading a novel I’m working on, writing on my laptop or in one of my notebooks, on photoshop bs-ing around like I have nothing to do, on the phone complaining about how I can’t sleep at all even though I’m tired as hell. All in the same night. Blah. I’ve been recommended to try a number of exercises that are supposed to help me get to sleep and “be normal”. I’ve tried them and…just like a placebo, I’ve gotten nowhere in my personal cure.
And of course I’m sleepy right now but my eyes aren’t going to stay closed…so I’m writing…and texting a close friend. And watching House. And eating some dressing that granny made today…after Thanksgiving and everything. My granny is dope!
But back to this:
Now that I think about it, I’ve always had a hard time sleeping. As a child, I would have a hard time staying asleep for one reason or another. My surroundings affected my sleep cycles and just like anything that holds a psychological connotation of some sort, things carried over into my adult life. It also didn’t help that I was a real live human owl when I was in college as well, getting an average of about 4 hours of sleep each night and having a very full day ahead of me each day, including a full day of coursework, a full afternoon of extracurricular responsibilities, and a full evening of working off-campus. My busy-body-ness (lol) helped to give me a reasonable excuse for why I would be up so early and taking it down so late at night. Over much time, I adapted to being very busy and now, during the few days where I’m not busy enough, I’m left with a serious sense of worthlessness and pointlessness. And when I feel like that, I can’t sleep. Consequently, when I’m busy, finding time to sleep is also a challenge because as stated earlier here, my mental can either be up for way too long and not be ready to sleep til the last possible hour or I’ll fall asleep and keep getting up because my body and my brain just refuse to be on the same plane.
* Sight * I’ll get it together one day. Hopefully soon….
* yawn * it’s now 1:29am,